Thoughts: Authenticity and Vulnerability

I had an incredible conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago about wanting to be more vulnerable on social media and on this blog but fearing it at the same time.

In my life and with my friends, I am completely authentic and vulnerable and know that I've surrounded myself with amazing people who love me and support me for who I am.

Sharing my interests and passions comes so naturally with those that I trust. And those that are in my day to day life know that I cannot contain my excitement when I stumble upon a new interest or topic that I can start to weave into the tapestry of my multitude of passions and interests. :D

As an artist, I'm fairly comfortable posting my physical work on the internet. When it comes to crafty hobbies or skills such as knitting, crocheting, sewing, etc., I'm excited to show off what I've created or have learned. These things are easier for me to share as they aren't necessarily personal, or have personal, emotional, philosophical or spiritual meaning to me. Paintings and poetry are a bit harder for me to share as they make me feel quite vulnerable.

Interestingly, the topics or interests that makes me feel the most vulnerable to share publicly, and is why I have yet to really do so, are my spiritual path, beliefs and experiences.

I grew up Seventh-Day Adventist. For anyone who hasn't heard of it, SDA is a pretty conservative Christian religion where we were expected to attend a private school that taught the SDA religion as a school subject from Kindergarten all the way through college or even graduate school. I didn't have any close friends that weren't SDA growing up and was taught that any thoughts or ideas that veered from the religion or the Bible were the devil's work.

My parents were on the more lenient side of things which meant I could dance, I could go swimming and watch I Love Lucy reruns on Saturdays (SDA had a lot of its teachings based on Judaism so the Sabbath was from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset), and a handful of other random things some of my friends couldn't do.

Although I have no issue with people finding a religion that speaks to them and brings them comfort, this religion never sat right in my soul even though I tried to force it quite a few times. The majority of my family is still very much ensconced in the SDA religion and community.

I, on the other hand, have always been drawn to wishing upon the first star I see at night as well as when the clock turns to a time with all the same number such as 1:11 or 2:22. I knew with all my heart those wishes would come true and most of them did, even as a child! I've always had a gut response to things and knew to listen to it. When I didn't listen, there was usually a swift consequence.

But as I grew up into my early teen years and then into high school and first years of college, I was terrified that these things that I innately knew or would happen for me, or just the feeling that this religion wasn't right for me, were not natural and actually Satan trying to tempt me away from God.

This is a huge trauma for me still, knowing that a religion was telling me that who I am, and having freedom of thought, is evil and should be repressed.

I've slowly, through self exploration and tons and tons of experimentation with various religions and spiritual paths, come to a basis of beliefs that sit right with me and feel authentic to my life and soul.

Most of my friends would call me the woo woo friend as I believe we all have an inner power and connect directly with guides and the energy of the universe. I also sometimes have visions that come true and can hear messages from my ancestors and guides, always in a loving and helpful manner. I keep track of the phases of the moon as well as some of the pagan holidays.

I tried on calling myself a witch and even though that is the closest I have found to what I am, it still doesn't fit just right. I do believe we are all connected to the cosmos and the earth and have a responsibility to care for it all, including help and love those who need it most, both animals and people.

I do tarot readings when making big decisions which has saved us from huge mistakes multiple times. I manifest and work with crystals as well as do energy healing work on people who ask me to. I'm finally diving into the vast world of astrology, trying to learn as much as I can to understand how the cosmos is affecting us in our daily lives.

I cannot go into large crowds as I get so overwhelmed by feeling everyone's energy that I want to scream and cry. I am working on strengthening my own protective shield to keep my energy in and other's energy out, but it is a practice and a skill.

These are all things my friends come to me about and I love sharing my experience and the knowledge I have gained from years of research and experimentation. But I have hidden a lot of this part of myself from the rest of the world and from a lot of my family as well.

In the conversation I had with my friend, I came to realize that I was doing this out of trying to please others, shrink myself to fit their mold in whatever way I could actually do so. I wasn't trusting that some could see past our differences and accept me as I am.

But that's not fair to me or to others. I know who I am, that my experiences and beliefs actually make me a better person than I was before.

I am hoping that me talking about my experiences, my beliefs and the new things I'm constantly learning about will help other people who are also on their journey. I know I wished I had someone I could have looked to, to read about their journey, the things that have helped them or didn't work for them and why.

Each of our journeys and experiences are going to be unique and so I'm hoping people will read what I have to say and take with them what resonates and just leave behind what doesn't. We are allowed to curate our beliefs and practices to fit what speaks most deeply to us and our soul. This was a hard earned lesson I've had to work on accepting over the years but I finally see myself, my practices, my beliefs as a masterpiece painting I will always be tinkering with as the seasons go by and the light and atmosphere change. It will never be done but I will enjoy the journey and watching the evolution of the image.

Please share with me your story, your experiences, your beliefs. This is a judgment free zone. I believe we can all be vastly different and still find love and acceptance for each other.

Thank you for reading through this thought of mine. I look forward to sharing much more of myself going forward. Till next time. :)

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