Thoughts: Part three- Evolution of my sexuality

Where we left off: me identifying as a lesbian despite still having sexual chemistry with my cis-male high school sweetheart.

I had an incredible experience dating women and found myself embodying different energies depending on the level of femme to masculine she was. It was so fascinating to me and so much fun.

Despite the lack of understanding and support from my family and several childhood friends, I felt fully comfortable in my sexuality. I had a wonderful queer community who loved me and supported me. I won't lie and say it wasn't incredibly difficult to not feel as if I had unconditional love and support of my parents during this time. And I did a lot of people pleasing with them for too many years where I would give them the edited version of my life and would edit out all the gay even though I was technically out to them and they knew I was dating women. It was rough, but I loved them and didn't want to cause them any discomfort.

Throughout those years, my high school sweetheart and I would come together for beautiful intimate moments when we were able. But I still didn't see this as a reason to alter my sexual identity as I truly believed that he was an exception to my lesbianism.

In early 2012, on Valentine's Day to be exact, I received a message on the OKCupid app from my current partner, Devon. I remember reading it and laughing out loud which always catches my attention. You could say making me laugh is one of my love languages, lol.

We ended up meeting at the only gay bar on the east side of LA in Silverlake called Akbar the very next evening. When I first met Devon, he was still identifying as a cis-female although he was the most masculine female I had ever dated.

There was instant chemistry and connection between us and he made me laugh nonstop that night. I just knew there was something different about him and that he would be a really interesting and fun person to spend time with.

On our second date we found out that we share the same birthday, only he's eight years older than me. We couldn't believe it, but it's been so fun sharing a birthday with him this past decade. :)

Once we had been on a few dates and I could tell where things were heading, I decided I wanted to have the exclusivity talk with him before things moved further. I had just come out of a relationship where I had been cheated on and the fear of being put at risk without clear boundaries was something I was not comfortable with.

Other than my previous marriage, I had not had any other partners who were comfortable with the notion of ethical non-monogamy or polyamory so I had conformed myself once again to societal norms and assumed all relationships could only work within the construct of monogamy.

When I had the conversation with Devon about being sexually exclusive, he did the most incredible thing. He was honest with me and despite the risk of me walking away, he told me he was in another intimate relationship he wasn't ready to end but was really wanting to see where things could go with us. His complete vulnerability and honesty in that moment told me everything I needed to know about him: I could trust him completely.

His admission allowed me to realize that I could also hold onto my intimate relationship with my HS sweetheart as I didn't particularly want to give that up either. When I told Devon about that relationship, I was so nervous that he would be put off by me, a self-identified lesbian, still having a sexual relationship with a cis-man. But, he completely understood and saw the beauty in our long lasting connection!

Transparency and respect allowed us to explore ethical non-monogamy in our relationship and it was incredible. I kept waiting for Devon to change his mind on having an open relationship due to jealousy or possessiveness but it never happened. We kept up an open line of communication and got excited for each other when new partners came into the picture. We fully explored compersion* and held that ideal close to our hearts. Because we were so transparent about everything with no question being off the table, there was no need for fear or doubt as we were constantly reassured of our love and commitment to each other. (*Compersion- Vicarious joy associated with seeing one's partner have a joyful romantic or sexual relation with another. Source Link)

I hadn't ever thought about it, but my HS sweetheart and I had been practicing compersion for years as we got excited for each other when new partners came into each other's lives. We loved each other, were sexually invested in each other but had no desire to own each other and would allow the sexual aspect of our relationship to ebb and flow as our lives permitted. But, I had again thought this dynamic was unique to him and was due to our love and history.

Being in such an exciting yet grounding committed non-monogamous relationship that was so healthy made me feel incredibly free to be myself and take time to explore who I really was and what I really wanted in my life.

When they make the joke about lesbians and u-hauls, it's hilarious because it's true. I had no intention of moving in with Devon so quickly but within a few months my living situation changed and I was staying over at his place most nights anyway so we made the decision for me to officially move in.

Well, I thought I'd finish up the story here in this post but it's gotten pretty long again. So, in the next post I'll talk about my struggle with Devon coming to realize he didn't identify as a woman, my experience of his gender identity exploration and hopefully will get to where we are now in our marriage and my current sexual identity. See you in the next one!

If you would like to be automatically notified any time I post a new blog, you can sign up with your email at the bottom of my "Home" page.