Thoughts: Part six- Evolution of my sexuality

Where we left off: Devon and I had just moved to Portland, OR in April 2015. I had to say goodbye to my high school sweetheart, whom I was still enjoying an intimate relationship with. Devon and I were legally married at this point and I was still calling him my wife.

Once settled in Portland, we started looking for women to date separately. OkCupid and Tinder being the most popular sites still at that time. We both were able to enjoy our dating life outside of our marriage but as time went on, I found myself really missing the dynamic I had with my high school sweetheart.

One of the things that I enjoy so much about dating other people is that each person brings out a different type of sexual energy from me and it becomes a unique and beautiful dance that I love exploring. I was starting to desperately miss the energy my HSS brought out of me and longed to experience it again.

I found myself noticing cis-men again here and there. And at one point had met a wonderful man I became friends with who invited me to join him and his girlfriend one night while they were in town. Devon and I toured them both around town as they were from and still live in Canada. When it came to the evening, we went back to their hotel and got a drink to discuss what was desirable for the evening for all involved. Devon ended up going home and I stayed.

As his girlfriend had never been intimate with a woman before nor ever had a threesome, the entire night was a continual negotiation in order to keep her comfortable. I ended up only being intimate with her but it was fun and energizing to be around cis-male sexual energy again in addition to the sensual cis-female energy.

The entire experience was beautiful and one I still think of fondly. I've had a few threesomes and they can be incredible. I find they are all unique and rarely resemble the previous experience. The important things are to just have fun, take the pressure off of the experience being a certain way, and always allowing a guilt/shame free option of stopping suddenly if someone is no longer enjoying themselves.

In the years since we moved away from LA and away from my high school sweetheart, he and I weren't able to connect in person as he is always extremely busy with his work that takes him all over the world at a moments notice. Every time we visited LA, he ended up not being there. We kept in touch on Facetime and through texts but I was craving the energetic exchange we always had in person.

In January of 2018, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and I ended up spending the next six months in Florida caring for him and my mother while he went through chemo and fought for his life. Four months after his diagnosis, he passed away. I stayed another two months to help my mom get through and to help get her finances and household needs in order.

To say I became a shell of myself would be an understatement. I did absolutely nothing for myself during this time, my entire world revolved around my parents until I got back home.

Once I returned home, my need to feel alive, to feel good, to feel like a former version of myself was overwhelming. I decided I needed to see if I could find someone who had a similar energy to my high school sweetheart and could give me the unique sexual energetic exchange I was so desperately craving.

This all came about about a month after I had returned home. And in my grief and in my haste to feel something good, I didn't take the time to talk with Devon about what he needed after six months away from me, worrying about me, grieving for me and my family, taking care of the household without me, missing me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about what he had also endured that year.

I struggle between the guilt of not even thinking of his needs in those moments and trying to give myself some grace in the depths of my grief and sorrows.

We fought over my need to find a local guy to date. I assumed he would be comfortable with me dating cis-men since he was so accepting of my relationship with my high school sweetheart but he assumed I wouldn't ever be interested in another cis-guy that wasn't my HSS.

There were some other life factors that were also present that just made what might have been some heated discussions on the topic flare into a blaze that almost burned us to the ground. A lot of trust was broken between both of us during those fights but ultimately Devon consented to continued communication as I started a search for my local guy.

I wanted a similar situation as I had in LA. I wanted a consistent romantic/sexual relationship with one guy who brought a certain energy out of me when we were together. I wanted someone who was responsible and aware of sexual health and was trustworthy.

Hinge and Bumble were the two apps I found I enjoyed the most while searching for cis-men. Almost immediately, I came across a profile that gave me chills and I knew there was something special about him. He couldn't meet for a couple days and so I went on a date with someone else I had matched with in the meantime.

The date with the other guy was fun and started to make me feel more myself again but when he kissed me at the end of the evening, it was terrible. He immediately grabbed my ass and tried to fondle my boobs. It was an immediate No for me at that point. But a few days later, I meet with the guy whose profile gave me the chills.

Our date was sweet and fun but I wasn't sure if the chemistry was going to be there and I was a bit jaded after that first encounter. But when he walked me to my car, I went in for the kiss as he was too shy to do so. The intensity of our chemistry together slammed into us both. Despite how passionate the kiss turned into, he still showed such restraint and kept his hands only in respectful areas of my back, sides and face. The combination of the heat and respectful restraint staggered me and I knew I was lost.

Ok, it's that time again. Until next time, when I talk about the turmoil this new relationship brings to all involved and how we got through it.

I've learned not to make any more promises of when I'll post next as life seems to have it's own plans and timing. :)

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