New Me, New Style

I have been quite open about my journey toward “finding myself” and how I’ve come to recognize it is a journey that will continue for the rest of my life as I believe we are always evolving and changing as we learn and experience new things, meet new people, visit new places.

But, I have not allowed myself the same flexibility and space as pertains to my artist journey, until very recently.

Going back to school to become an artist was a huge step forward in me showing myself that the artist in me was worth investing in and spending time with. But even then, I was desperate to quickly find my style so I could get good and prove my time in school was worth it.

I fell head over heels for oil painting and found my voice using large canvases and palette knives to create abstract works that made me feel something. But once I found that thread, I stopped paying attention to any other medium I didn’t enjoy as much, and so didn’t take advantage of being uncomfortable in an environment curated to help you test your edges and push past them. I stayed comfortable.

Once I left school, though, I tried to set up my own painting studio while in the midst of a health journey and realized that the mediums and solvents I was so dependent on to create the work I had been doing, were giving me migraines and making me nauseous. I tried many other alternatives without finding one that clicked for me.

Finding myself up against the discomfort again in my art, I stopped pushing and let those edges creep in on me. I went to things that were comfortable and comforting, such as knitting, sewing, fashion and interior decorating.

From time to time, I would try to dip my toe back in with oil or a new medium but without finding perfection or instant gratification in it, I would step right back out.

I was still trying to “find myself” or “my new style” if I couldn’t do what I was known for, and honestly, no longer felt was “me” anymore.

This last year has been a monumental year for me for many reasons. But I have come to a point in my self-discovery journey where I’m ready to sit in the discomfort, push against my edges but also respect the boundaries that are necessary and healthy. I have been working with an incredible therapist that has been a huge support and has helped me challenge a lot of my self-limiting beliefs and self talk.

My limitations have never come from the outside; I have an amazing support system of people who love and believe in me. I just wasn’t ready to start showing up and believing in myself. But time is short, life is precious and beautiful.

In a conversation with my brother a couple months ago, I was trying to figure out why I don’t put the same level of pressure on myself (or become paralyzed by the fear of failure) when creating a knitted sweater that is super intricate and has hundreds of opportunities to mess-ups and failures, but I can’t seem to pull out a paintbrush and make one mark for fear it will suck. He made the observation that I don’t worry about messing up the sweater because I’m doing it for myself, whereas the painting is for others to judge.

This has been the core of my fear and thought process: why make art that is not good enough for others to see, not cohesive, not original, not interesting? I had not been making art just for my own pleasure, making art for myself.

The thing is, making art just for myself was not a new concept for me. Most artists say how important it is to make art for yourself, to make art you want to see, focus on the things that are interesting to you, etc. But, I just wasn’t there yet. I was putting all the pressure on myself to create work that would sell. Otherwise what’s the point?

Well, making it is the point. Whether I ever sell something again or not, I have something inside that wants to be expressed; experiences, ideas, likes and dislikes, visions and memories to explore. I’m the only one that can make the art I make. And it will mean something to me, if no one else.

And I’m worth making that art for.

Why has it taken me so long to understand that? I don’t really know, but I’m grateful to be softening to it now.

As I’ve started to have these realizations, I imagined what it would feel like to make art just for myself for the rest of the year without any pressure to get outside validation or approval.

I watched some workshops on techniques I was wanting to get more foundation in, I bought new material to experiment with and I started to paint.

And it all looked terrible. 😂 Nothing was turning out how I wanted or imagined.

But this lead me to change tactics. One of the things about knitting that takes a lot of the pressure off for me is that if I make a mistake, I can undo my work until I get to a safe point of continuing correctly. And if I hate the entire project, I can undo the entire piece and start something fresh. There is no waste, just my time invested in the practice and pleasure of the task.

So, with this frame of mind, I turned to my ipad to do some exploring in a way that felt safe. Procreate can make my art feel like a sweater, a safe space for me to explore, practice, be as crazy or weird as I want and see what happens. I can make as many mistakes as I need in order to make the piece into what it’s meant to be.

And this is when things started to really shift for me. I started asking myself what my gut was telling me to do next in the piece, what was it missing, did something need to be simplified, how did it make me feel when looking at it, etc…

I started to see themes, that I’ve tried to force into previous work, show up intuitively in each piece. And each piece felt personal and universal at the same time.

I was proud of this work. I am proud of this work. And I didn’t have to force myself to “find my new style.”

Understanding started to bloom of the old saying that something only comes when it has the freedom to do so on it’s own. Once I started making work just for the practice of it, for the joy of it without worrying about the outcome, I started creating work that felt authentic to me and something I was really moved by and proud of again.

After I created the first painting that felt exciting to me, I decided to share it with a handful of people close to me and ended up getting a request for a print to be made. This was a low pressure opportunity for me to see what that would be like— to find a printshop that I could get quality art prints made, maybe even one I could use as print on demand.

When I realized that this was something I could feasibly do with my work, I decided to start working on creating an online art shop for when I was ready to release a series of prints. Normally, I would jump ahead with things like this, way before I was actually ready, then get disappointed in the lack of results or find millions of issues that I wish I had fixed before putting it out into the world.

This time was different. I gave myself space and time to work things out, play around, find the majority of the issues that needed to be resolved and fix them.

I also wanted to be ok with whatever the reception or outcome would be once I opened the shop. My goal was to be mindful of my why. Why am I opening the shop, offering my work for sale, getting back on social media to notify everyone and promote this new series?

And ultimately, I came to trust that I was doing it for me, to remind myself that I am worth the effort, my work is worth the effort, no matter the outcome. And I’m really proud of the way I’ve pushed myself to my edges but not past my boundaries.

Everything I’ve been doing has felt right and that makes me feel calm about it all. And for an introvert who has a hard time putting themselves and their work out in the public, that feels like the biggest win of all.

Of course I hope my work speaks to others outside of myself, but working on this series has brought me closer to my intuition and to trusting my artist process. So that is what I hope to continue developing with each new piece I create. :)

If you are interested in view or purchasing my work, you can visit my art shop here. Thank you!