Physical Effects of Past Trauma

I’ve always been hyper aware of my physical sensations which has consistently felt like a blessing and a curse as I notice any new sensation within my body which alerts me to tune in to what’s happening. This allows me to catch and course correct a lot of things and can easily manage certain issues with natural methods but it’s also created hyper vigilance in me which perpetuates stress and anxiety.

With the pandemic, we as a collective had an insane amount of fear, stress and anxiety pounded into us, so many people who wouldn’t normally feel crippling fear and anxiety are now also fighting off panic attacks. This time definitely increased my level of anxiety and panic and it has felt like drowning. My partner and I also had to say goodbye to both of our fur babies during this time who took large chunks of our soul with them, adding to the sense of helplessness and drowning.

I have always had medical anxiety as far back as I can remember and ended up having to be taken to the ER against my consent at the height of the pandemic, being told I would die if I didn’t go, that I had a fatal heart condition…when in reality, I was having a panic attack at the fact that my partner was not allowed back in the examination room with me at our local urgent care despite my anxiety and already present panic. This took a huge toll on my nervous system and health.

Then for the last three months, I’ve been caring for my mom who has been having some severe health issues that we were expecting to be fatal. Thankfully, she is doing so much better and we are hopeful that most issues have been resolved. But that has taken a huge toll on my nervous system and health as well.

The day I was supposed to come back home from Florida, I had one of the biggest and longest panic attacks of my life. It was so bad, my brother had to circle the airport a few times because there was no way for me to get out of the car. We both thought I might not make it onto the plane.

I knew to expect a breakdown and release of emotions at some point, but I thought it would wait until I was safely at home before my body revolted. No such luck!

Needless to say, I made it on the plane and have been home recovering for the last two weeks.

Although, I have been doing a lot of resting, my body and nervous system still was nowhere near ok. I could barely take a full breath and I was feeling constant buzzing and twitching throughout my core and limbs. Any sudden sound or thought would send a shriek of alarm throughout my body and cause my heart to race and visibly pound in my chest.

I had mentioned in a previous post about getting a Human Design reading by the wonderful Mia. She mirrored back to me a lot of what I already knew as I have been diving deep into my own Human Design for several years now but hearing her mention how alone time and meditation are non-negotiables for me and my health really make it click. It took the feel of selfishness out of it for me and saw it as necessary as eating and sleeping. She recommended the guided meditations of Rev.Sydney.Finn and they have been incredible. I have been listening to different meditations 2-3 times per day and have noticed a vast improvement in my sense of feeling grounded and present.

Mia also recommended a few books for me to read. One I have been meaning to read for years now is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Another is The Wakeful Body by Willa Blythe Baker. And the last is Waking the Tiger by Peter A. Levine. I scanned what was currently available to me at the various public libraries I have access to and Waking the Tiger as an audiobook was the only one currently available so I’ve started with this one.

I’ve always felt a deep knowing that most of my health issues stem from my overstimulated nervous system and stored emotions, so this information isn’t new per se. But despite knowing how important body movement, quieting the mind, and allowing my full range of emotions to be, I haven’t seemed to be able to dig quite deep enough to start to loosen that first tight knot that is keeping everything from being able to unravel and heal.

Until last night.

I’ve been reading and watching more about the Freeze response instead of the Fight or Flight responses to trauma as this has always been my response. Everything in my body seizes up and I physically can’t move even if my mind is screaming for me to do something.

Last night I was having a lot of anxiety and decided to get into bed around 8pm and listen to a guided Yoga Nidra from my favorite practioner Ally Boothroyd on Youtube. I like to use it as a guided meditation to help me calm my mind and release as much tension as possible in my body. Sometimes I fall asleep during the session but it usually helps a lot.

I did a 30 minute practice last night but afterwards, I let my mind wander as I listened to some soothing music. I started contemplating where my Freeze response could have originated from and kept going back further and further to memories of when I felt frozen with fear.

And then it hit me. When I was around 2 years old, doctors had my parents force me to sleep each night with shoes bolted to a metal bar. I was pigeon toed, with my feet turned inwards as I was learning to walk and so these shoes forced my feet out.

I’ve had numerous physical issues due to this procedure such as weak and easily sprained ankles, knee pain and issues, hip pain and issues as well as back pain and issues. But I’ve never once considered what it could have done to my psyche.

In the instant that the image of my feet being bound in these shoes, fixed to a bar, trapped, I started to understand where my childhood nightmares came from of being trapped, strapped down and tortured and why even today my greatest need is to feel free and not trapped.

I’ve felt like a trapped animal my entire life to some extent. So, I’ve done everything I can to fight for as many freedoms as possible for myself.

But once I had that realization, I tried to find where the tension originated in my body. I noticed my neck, shoulders and jaw were the most noticeable focal points. I had seen an interview with Peter Levine where he was working with a PTSD patient and had him slowly open his jaw to start the release.

So, I tried it. What could it do?

As I slowly, slowly started to open my jaw a sense of urgency and dis-ease flooded my body and my body started to shake and convulse.

I have already been aware that this happens when the body is releasing pent up adrenaline and emotions from the tissues so I went with it. I repeated this motion as well as slowly lowering my chin to my chest since every time my body conlvused, my head would snap back and my shoulders would tense.

Any time I felt the sensation of being trapped, I flailed my limbs and took a deep breath.

This came in waves and as my body started to settle, I placed my hand over my heart and tried to give myself comfort, understanding and compassion for all the times I felt frozen in my life. The words “You are free” came to mind with the image of me breaking the bar my feet were bound to which in turn broke the dam of tears.

With the tears came more shaking and flailing limbs. It was almost as if my body was responding to sporatic electro shock therapy as my limbs would fly up and out in response to a need to dispel a current that was running through me.

Through the couple of hours that this went on, I noticed myself taking deeper and deeper breaths. My diaphram was able to expand more fully, my stomach muscles felt more at ease, my pelvis and hips were softer and more pliant. I was no longer feeling my heart beat through my chest which has been a constant for me for way too long.

This morning, I am still feeling more at ease than I have in years.

I know that this is just a small step in my healing journey but it still feels huge and incredible. And I’m excited to see how I can continue the unfurling of the physical response to past and present emotional experiences.

My experience is my own and I cannot speak to what you may have experienced and how it has impacted your life and health. But I’m hoping that hearing my process will inspire you to take a closer look at some of the symptoms you experience, be it physical or emotional or mental, and try to follow the thread back to the source experience.

Be curious. Hold space for yourself. Feel compassion and empathy for the you that experienced those traumas and wounds.

We did not chose our wounds but we can love ourselves through the healing process of them.

Sending you love, light and a calm and peaceful soul. xoxo